Sunday, December 17, 2006

Down And Sorry For Not Posting

I got extremely busy on Friday and I wasn't able to post.  I had my final interview with a lady from the group I would be joining.  She was very nice and just explained to me how the group was structured.  I think I might hear something next week... I still think I have a good shot and I am trying so hard to not get my hopes up. 

It rained a little today... which would normally make me happy but for some reason I just wasn't.  Stressing out over things and questioning everything... I am sure it is nothing and I will be fine tomorrow.  For a bit I felt how I was in Florida... not myself... sad... hopeless.  But I got out of that... It was my "Escape from Alcatraz"-like flight from Florida.  Leaving really early in the morning... driving north from Orlando... almost as fast I could.. outrunning my sadness.  The car was filled to the brim with my stuff... but it felt very empty.  Who was going to love me again... Who would take me in after this spectacle... Who could I trust again...  I trusted Kody and it got me nowhere.  I am sure to this day he still blames everything on me.  I heard from a few people that he thought I cheated on him... which is beyond absurd.  I took care of him... I would stay up later than I probably should have just to make him dinner when he got home from work at 1am.  I cleaned his apartment from ceiling to floor.  I would listen to him and his opinions.  I would have done anything for him.  He never lifted a finger when I came to live with him... and that was fine with me.. I like that role.  I would have done anything to make him happy.  A month or so after I got back, him and I started talking on WoW.  He wanted to mull over what happened and what went wrong.  In the end, we didn't agree completely... but we did settle on one fact.  If we had both looked up and into each others eyes.... hmm... If he had looked up and saw that I just needed him to hold me because I had just left my life behind for him.  If I had looked up and saw that I needed let go whatever I was holding onto and trust him... maybe things would be different now.  We both made mistakes... Four months later I am ready to let it go.  It's like a big deep breath is being released from me. 

I can't wait for the New Year.  Hmm.. maybe that's it.  I really just want this year to be over with.  I have grown so much and now I know what I want and don't want.  I'll just shut up and be thankful. 

Emo is pretty bad but Christian Emo is worse.  I still love this song.

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