Saturday, May 26, 2007

Fight For Me

I think tonight I discovered one of my flaws.  I have many of course.  But this one I don't think of it so much as a flaw.  Probably to a guy it would seem to be something horrible.  I want a guy to fight for me.  I want him to want to make me happy.  I put other people before me because that's just how I am.  It would be nice if I am put first instead of feeling like the bad guy.  I want to be able to be myself... all that I am... and not have it turned against me.  And if I do is something so horrible that I am hurting the other person... I want to know that they will bring it up... discuss it with me... and then let me sincerely apologize.  After I apologize... I need them to just help us move on... instead of it being a one sided thing.

Is the way I am acting wrong?  Honestly, I could just have a totally different perspective.  I don't want to be one of those people that everyone tolerates and then when they leave people think "Oh, thank god she's gone."  I don't think I am one of those types but still.  I joke around and feed off of other people.  If I read someone wrong.. yeah I will probably end up looking like a jackass.  I am the traveling comedian though... so I guess it's a hazard in my line of work.  I just... I want the amount of love I give... to be returned back to me.  I want the other person to let things go the way I let some things go.... I want them to first pick the battles they want to fight and let the rest go.  Nothing is perfect.  I am not perfect.  I am most certain of that.  But I can't keep up with disappointing someone so much.  You have people tell you... you're great, you're great, you're great... and then in one night oh... yeah... you've been horrible for awhile.  I don't understand.  I could just be low with my awareness level.  But I need someone who will fight for me... who won't just turn away, assuming it's easier not to bring me in to the truth.  They can't just sit back and let me go crazy in my own mind. 

When I am in a relationship I do everything that is in my power to make the other person happy.  I set aside my emotions to attempt to make them happy.  I don't know if this is a good thing... or if it's a good thing to expect from another person..  All I know is... I am in love... and it hurts so much.  Once again... I am floating and drowning at the same time.  Save me.

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