Saturday, September 15, 2007

Withdrawal

So, I've been sick for almost a week. I started to feel better today but here I am... 2:30am and I can't sleep at all. I've been sitting up coughing and reading "Memoirs of a Geisha" - which isn't a terribly bad book but certainly not one I want to read over again. I think I am going through withdrawal. From... hmm.. well for awhile I was taking it as a joke but I really think I am going through withdrawal from Ian. I miss him so completely... I have never had a time in my life where I was that happy.

When I've been around other guys... even just around friends... girls or guys and (the following will probably not make any sense but I will try my best to explain)... I hate to say it but I've always had to overlook something or make excuses for different "events"... For instance, in the past, I might find myself being rubbed the wrong way by some one's personality. In order to "keep the peace", I have overlooked it or made an excuse that maybe he/she was just in a bad mood. In reality, this is how the person actually behaved and I wanted so desperately to either fit in or avoid conflict that I ignored it. I wasn't being honest but I wasn't outright lying. Months afterward I would look back and worry about what I said or did in that situation and think about what I could have done better. I am easily embarrassed and these conflicts would just dig me deeper into trying to grasp how other people perceived me. In the end, I was just thinking too much. Still, I would make excuses for the silliest things. If my boyfriend at the time happened to be anti-social, I would make an excuse that it would get better. Miraculously, he would one day realize that at some point he must function outside the walls of his house and then life would be good again. Of course, I was crazy to think that and I had to learn the hard way that it would never happen. The worst thing is... I moved for a guy that I had to make HUGE excuses for. I uprooted my whole life, caused huge inconveniences to most of the people around me and wasted so much money... all for someone I had to ignore so many things. Seriously, what the hell was I thinking? It was the most irresponsible thing I could have done at the time. I am truly sorry to all the parties involved. I am thankful I even landed on my feet. Lesson learned.

My point is... for the first time in my entire life (scary, yes)... I have not had to make excuses or overlook anything for another person. I understand his personality. I am learning all the many facets of his character and I love everything. He fits me. I can be my most honest and sincere self without feeling worried what he may think. It was almost natural to be around him. A bit surreal.... but I felt comfortable. I still had my usual hang ups... self esteem issues, all that... but it honestly had NOTHING to do with him. I want to make myself into the best version of me for him. The most wonderful part about it? None of it matters to him. He likes me just the way I am. And I believe him.

I think back to that post I made regarding the Frou Frou song "Let Go". I was viewing my life with a feeling of disassociation. "I imagined my life the past few years like I am on one of those airport moving walkways... images flashing before me of the events but all I see is the light reflected on my face." I haven't felt like that in months... Everything points forward. Everything I want is for the future. I am enjoying every second of the present... but I have my future held firmly in my own hands. I am comfortable with that. Okay, less thinking - more sleeping. Goodnight.

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