Tuesday, March 25, 2008

Welcome Back

Another "Try Not To Jump Off A Building" Day. The leaving each other part has gotten somewhat easier.. and by easier I mean I don't cry as much... Now I just have this overwhelming sadness. It is very hard to bounce back after a visit. Everything seems so pointless. The best way to visualize that feeling is when I was there, Ian and I sat in the hot tub beneath a full moon. On my drive home, I could clearly see it again... but it already started to change and a piece of the top was missing. That's exactly how I felt. A piece of me is missing.

Before my trip, I was questioning what I am doing. I didn't see any forward progress. All I saw was me leading a half life of work and home and back again. I desperately needed to see an end point. I know it's going to take some time for us to be together full time. It was my decision to enter into this though. After my trip... I see progress... I see the good possibility that all this grief will end in a few years. Just like the December trip... I saw what life would be like if it was a reality. So, it made me decide that I wanted that reality... now it's about executing it.

I am being extremely careful about the decisions I make. I made a big mistake in moving to Florida but it helped me learn from actions. I am 100% sure that I am not in the same situation I was in 2006. Moving or not moving would be based purely on the fact that it is what I want to do. Not because it's my only out I see at the time. I am sure that everyone around me thinks this is just Round 2... but they're not in my head. I am becoming indifferent to what people around me think... Just like my seasonal depression. It's not about wanting it to rain all the time. It's not only about having sunny days 90% of my life. I am genuinely depressed during the summer time. It sounds silly to most people who LOVE those days. They think I am joking when I say how much I hate it. But it's how I honestly feel. I would definitely move cities based on that fact alone. I am learning that the only perspective that matters - whether right or wrong - is your own. If it makes me happy... isn't it always right?

And so the day continues... I will have to drudge through the rest of the time until the next trip. As I have said before, nothing is as good as when I am with Ian. I am comfortable... and happy... I can be geeky... I can be sarcastic... I can be sad... I can be me. The rest of my life is not enough time with him... I will always want more.

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