Tuesday, April 8, 2008

Keep Your Chin Up

I was having a really hard time last night. I am stressed out but I am not sure that "stressed" is the right word. I'm burnt out. It's the hard mix of keeping a relationship afloat across 2500 miles... the pain of having to wait... the issues of work... little things... and the fear that if I'm not happy all the time, it's going to have bad consequences.

Ian had to work on the weekend. We spend all week looking forward to 2 days of just us. To have that interrupted is painful. Then last night, I had internet issues. It kept connecting and disconnecting. Ian had a bad day... I couldn't make it better. I would give anything make it better. Because he has made my days something to look forward to. And my internet issue just made it worse. It was a comedy of errors yesterday. The internet went out. My drapes fell and probably won't go back up. I couldn't sleep. I played Tropico (lol) and once it became successful a hurricane hit and I was forced to become a dictator. Needless to say, my regime soon fell to a military coup. /sigh

I try to be more positive than this... but right now moving to Canada and being with Ian seems so far off. Even if I'm lucky enough to get a transfer I have to wait until the Fall of 2009. I just want to be content already. I hate this area. I hate the weather. The only plus is that I am close to my mom. I'm lucky I landed on my feet but come on... I deserve to have a full life... instead of this half life I am living. Nothing exists outside of my world... work, home, Ian. It's repetitive. It's not how I want to live.

I think this is just one of those times where I pity myself, cry about it and then I'm good for another few months or so. At the very least, I have goals. Goals are good right?

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