Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Being Stupid

I chirp occasionally about being stupid. I thought I might post about what being stupid actually means. It stems from an event in the summer of 2008. I woke up at 2am gasping in pain. I was doubled over hanging onto the edge of my bed. I managed to pick up my cell phone and call my mom. I could barely speak except to say pain... stomach... and gasp for air (of course freaking out my mom). She wanted to know if I needed to go to the emergency room... I didn't know... I thought something was seriously wrong though. After a few minutes, the pain mercifully past and my abdomen became super tender. The relief was so great that I thought it was maybe just a one time deal. I relaxed enough to go back to sleep and made it through the rest if the night without another attack. The next morning I went to a doctor and even without an ultrasound check they guessed I had gallstones.

What does this have to do with "being stupid"? Everything. I developed such an anxiety with sleep. I was scared that I would have another attack (like being asleep would make a difference! They are extremely painful, conscious or not!). Following the surgery, I had a bit of a traumatic experience coming out of anesthesia. I woke and felt like I had an elephant on my chest. I started to gasp and nurses rushed over to calm me down. After that I was convinced my lungs still had issues. Even with doctors and my mom telling me different, I was sure that my lungs were not working right.

Over the last year or so, my "being stupid" incidents have come in waves. Some days every little pain triggers my anxiety and I think that something is horribly wrong with me. I don't usually take this anywhere though. I don't go to the doctor unless something is really wrong or it lasts more than a few days - yay free health care. Going to the gym has helped. But it can be so silly... Last month I wasn't able to go to the gym during my lunch hour. So I decided instead of taking the elevator back to my desk I would take the stairs. Four flights of stairs later, I'm winded and my heart is racing. And what do I think? I think something is wrong with me. I'm going to have a heart attack or *insert some crazy medical issue here*. I JUST RAN UP FOUR FLIGHTS OF STAIRS. I knew that I was being irrational. It took me a few hours to recover from that. Completely ridiculous. It was so ridiculous in fact that this time I went to my doctor about it. I told her everything that has been going on... I didn't want to be treated with any medicine... I really just wanted the okay from her that I could regularly go to the gym and get the reassurance that it's all in my head. She totally understood but she did check my blood pressure and listen to my heart. My blood pressure was so good that she actually checked it twice because she wanted to make sure.

Anxiety will probably always be something I have to deal with at some level... Don't ask Ian how many times in 2008 and 2009 I woke up screaming that there was an earthquake - in reality he had just turned over and shook the bed. Thankfully that has stopped.... Yes, I know I live in Canada and the chances of an earthquake are slim to none but shut up... earthquakes are scary. =P

Anyway, I know it will get better and there will be less "being stupid" times... but it still sucks when it happens. The days that I do go to the gym during the day, I can get to sleep fairly quickly. Maybe I can sucker Ian into doing some more DDR with me soon. That helps with getting him to bed at a decent hour!


Shannon said...

I still remember your "Wii Cheer" video that you posted. I loved it! Never did get it, but loved seeing what the game was all about. i'm proud of you for all the advancement you've made since 08! Lot of positive I see out of this.
And PS there is NOTHING wrong with Seattle~ That is one of the most beautiful places, and one of my favorites.

Anonymous said...

Dude I love DDR!! I'll totally do with you when you guys move in!

Also I can totally relate to anxiety, I was "self diagnosed" for the same reasons as you, didn't want to be treated and I knew nothing was *really* wrong, though my dad did have a major attack putting him in the IU when I was younger.

Suffice to say it did eventually lessen, like you it was originally caused my a traumatic experience and would flare up, if I "thought" my chest hurt a bit, it would all of a sudden get worse and then I'd think of the worst thing happening, which obviously made it worse. I used to have to get Alex to talk to me during it about anything to get my mind off it.

BUT, it did go away! I don't even know if I did anything in particular or just got over whatever it was that was making me have it, but just know that you're not alone and that it's totally over-comeable (definitley not a word, but whatever!)