Friday, November 17, 2006


I am not going to say much in this post.  I just need to ramble for a bit. 

My life has been turned upside down in the past year.  Which is good.  I needed a change.  Maybe not quite so drastic of change... but change nonetheless.  I am good right now... good job, good home, etc.  Financially I am "meh"... certainly on the road to recovery.  Today I have been so odd.  I have alot of options open to me.  But then on the other hand I feel old.  Then I have to slap myself and realize that some of my counterparts at work are 30..32..35+ I am 24... and I've only been here 2, almost 3 months.  As far as work and education goes, I could give up.  Marry the next guy that asks me and settle down.  Don't get me wrong... the biggest thing I wish to achieve is being a wife and a mom.  But right now I feel selfish.  I could put my social life on hold, I could push people away which I am known to do.  I could go off and just worry about me.  Go back to school, go back to working on myself first... 

I am torn between making a decision and risking the complications.  What if I lose everyone in the process of putting myself first?  Were they worth it to begin with?  If I take that financial hit and go back to school, will I regret it if I marry someone and settle down to be Mrs. Brittany Homemaker?  I am an intelligent girl but sometimes I don't think I am exercising that the way I should.  I could go back to school and finish my degree.  Sense of accomplishment all that crap sounds good.  Would people wait for me to get my act straight?  I have a lot of thoughts in my head... it's part of the reason I write on this site.  I am trying not to get dragged down but it's hard today. 

People have said things to me like... you are so amazing that you believed so much in your love and you moved out there but you were smart enough to realize that you should move back.  You're willing to go right back to loving someone even though you were hurt. You still believe... You still have faith.  WTF does that mean?  I was.. completely screwed over.  My heart completely broken.  It still is broken.  But it made me view my life from outside my small scope of the world.  It's the same thing for any other girl that has gotten hurt. 

Right now... I have that feeling of... I can do this.  I can commit to fixing myself and straightening out what I want.  I can do this.  Question is... will I ever get to the point where I come home to a lap I can lay my head down in?

No comments :