Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Can't Sleep.

Considering the past couple weeks I haven't slept much.  I should be in bed.  But I am not.  I am sitting in my big leather chair... wrapped up in a blanket wide awake.  I tried to sleep.  I really did.  I gave it a good honest effort.  I laid down.. opened the window... turned the pillow over to the cool side.. gave myself a little fantasy (non-sexual, you dirty people) to think about.. and closed my eyes.  But I didn't fall asleep.  I am so going to regret this tomorrow.  But here I sit... running my fingers through my hair.. wrapping it around me from the back and making it fall to the front.  It's a habit.  I do it often.  I am rambling but bear with me.  This post MUST have some point. 

Today I walked into my townhouse.  I set down my keys and cell phone.  I walked into the kitchen and started preparing dinner.  I went to the bedroom and changed into PJs... hung up some clothes.. put my heels away.. I cleaned up my dishes and made my lunch for tomorrow (turkey on wheat, carrots and pretzels)... I straightened up my desk... checked on dinner... started an episode of Grey's Anatomy.  Why am I writing all this down?  Because I stopped and realized how my actions were that of someone who has grown up.  I am self sustaining.  I provide this roof over my head... I make this life my own.  As good or as bad as I make it... it is my own.  I am on such a good path.  The fact that I am labeling it good... that's all me.  I make it what I want.  If it turns to crap, that is my doing... Responsibility... feels good.  Granted I have been this way for almost 3 years so it's nothing new.. but this time around... my happiness is dependent only on myself.  Now this statement is scary... but exciting.  I really just... need to accept this and go back to bed.  I think I will.

I'm moving
I'm coming
Can you hear, what I hear
It's calling you my dear
Out of reach
(Take me to my beach)
I can hear it, calling you
I'm coming not drowning
Swimming closer to you

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