Sunday, November 16, 2008


I haven't written a "I can't sleep" post in awhile. Actually, I haven't written a post in awhile period. These last few weeks have been extremely emotional. My anxiety is slowly going away. I still have a ton of worries... but I'm at least acknowledging them. As Ian and my mom both say, I'm worrying about things that are out of my hands. I have no control on how fast my immigration paperwork gets processed. Still.. I worry. I'm scared that my move will be delayed. I run into smallest of issues that ram home the fact that my life is in limbo. This weekend I had no food in the house... no granola bars... no bread... no juice... my cabinets are pretty much empty. I don't know when I'm going to be leaving... just the simplest thing... should I go to the grocery store... should I eat out... well I don't really want to spend a lot of money... etc etc. Simplest issue but just reminded of the fact that I am going to be leaving soon.

I'm slowly emptying my house. My room and bathroom are filled with echos because there just isn't the same amount of stuff sitting around. Today I took down all of the pictures and filled the holes in the wall. I can't imagine moving a full house. I have a small place... and I have accumulated so much crap. If I had any question of where my money has gone... it has been answered for sure. I can't wait to be settled. I can't wait to share my life with someone, especially because that someone is Ian.

Thankfully, he is going to be okay with me crying a lot this week and up until I leave. I'm sad to leave my mom. This is all a part of life though. You grow up... you move away (granted this is unfortunately not a short distance).. you create a family of your own... and life goes on. I have the best mom though. She raised me right. She's let me make my own mistakes and learn from them. The other day when I needed her to voice everything that was going on in my head she did. I'm having HUGE changes all going on at once. I'm taking a big risk AGAIN... but at the same time I'm engaged to the most wonderful guy. She said it perfectly... you're going to cry, you're going to be upset, you're going to be frustrated... I am almost all of those things all the time.

I went to the doctor on Monday because I got to work and just started shaking with anxiety. Interviewing people for your own position is weird and it's been stressful for me. On one hand, I care deeply about my team and the work I do. I want someone who can step in almost seamlessly. I worry about getting someone in my position that will let my team down. On the other hand, I'm leaving. It's not my problem and it's out of my hands if anything goes wrong. It's been stressful to screen people and set up interviews... I'm trying to prepare my electronic files to make the transition easier. This is on top of my normal day to day tasks and I'm also doing a bit of training for my new job. I'm definitely going to miss my team... but I'm really going to miss Emily and Amanda. I've gotten to know them better over the last few months and it's been great. I actually take lunch now instead of sitting at my desk and working through. They are really nice people; I wish that I had gotten to know them sooner.

I'm extremely excited to get started in my new job. I really think that I can bring a ton of help to my new team. That being said.... I'M SCARED TO DEATH TO DRIVE IN THE SNOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Anyway, I have work tomorrow. I should get some sleep. I can't change the process I must go through. I can't rush the government. I can't control the weather. I can't force my heart to slow down when it starts to race with anxiety. I can't control the sadness I will feel when I finally move away. But I can control the positive and negative thoughts that run through my head. This was all meant to be. So whatever happens, happens. /keeps repeating it until my stupid subconscious believes it.

I've been listening to a lot of Barenaked Ladies lately. It reminds me of Canada and it's also a good pick me up. I would absolutely love to go to another concert of theirs. The video is from BNL's annual Ships and Dip cruise. Life, In A Nutshell... *love* it. "When we're separated, we're never alone but still... It's never enough... No, it's never enough".

No comments :