Withdrawal Symptoms 101

Depressed Mood? Check.
Lethargic and Listless? Check.
Weak Heart and Difficulty Breathing? Check.

Well... looks like I am going through withdrawal once again. It is so hard to remain positive the first few days after parting ways with Ian. I miss him so completely that it is all I can think about. I should be thinking about the near future... his visit for Thanksgiving and New Years... but all I can concentrate on is what I am actively missing so much. Everything seems so pointless... Even work seems unimportant which is crazy because I have been out for a week and I'm swamped. I hope this passes soon because I bet I am not a ball of joy to be around.

I guess it's just this issue where I float so much when I'm around him and then I'm forced to come back down. DO NOT WANT (I Can Has Cheezburger Reference).

Yes, he's my heroin. I should just focus on the long road ahead... because it's so worth it.

Oh and I must remember that if I ever need a laugh... I should just watch more... HUMAN TETRIS!!!!!

Slowly Going About My Day

I feel like I'm walking through glue. I don't feel like doing anything... I don't feel like anything is worth doing. I went through the pictures and video of this weekend. Here is a short clip (the audio is a bit loud...) of Ian and I feeding the seagulls from our hotel room at the Edgewater. As soon as we got one seagulls, it would start to squawk and a bunch would come. They would fly around and then flap like hummingbirds in front of our window waiting for us to throw the bread. So much fun...

*sigh* I don't know what I am going to do the rest of the day/week/month. I turned 25 while I was in Seattle and everything is really good. But I just don't feel complete when I am not with Ian. I think I'll go back to listening to my sad slow songs and continue going through the pictures. *sigh*

It's Not Fair

On the drive home from the airport all I could think about and cry about was... it's not fair. It's not fair that I connect with someone and fall for someone so much that lives so far away. I know it is my own fault for doing this again. But this time it's different. I have more fun with Ian than all my friends and boyfriends ever -- combined. Life seems so empty without him. Today I got on a little airport train thingy and I was separated from him. I looked through the few panes of glass that separated us... before I was torn from him. It's my fault but it's just not fair that I can't be with him all the time. When we are together it's like we never were apart. We fall right back into it... so when it comes time to leave again... it's almost surprising.

I didn't think it would hurt this much but honestly it hurts ten times more. On the way home from the airport the first time I was completely sad but I didn't cry until I got home. This time I cried from the moment I got into the car. I would try to distract myself by listening to the radio but then I would start thinking about leaving him again and then I'm a wreck. Even now... I have almost an hour until he gets home... I could do so much. I could unpack, go through my gifts or souvenirs, do laundry... anything... And yet the most I could do was take my camera out of my backpack and scroll through the pictures on it. It's even raining outside and I couldn't care less. I'm barely breathing.

All I can think about now is... 30+ days until I can do it all over again. It's not fair.

And... I'm... Spent.

Last day of work before my WEEK long vacation. I can't believe I am going to wake up tomorrow and not have to rush to work. 7 whole days of rain, Ian, birthday and cloudy goodness. That's right... I am going to finally admit that my birthday is coming up... and while I am still going to say... OMG I am so old!!! Honestly... the ripe old age of 24 was actually pretty darn good. I think 25 is going to be a really good age for me. Everything is good. Even the bad is good. That doesn't make any sense but yeah... so true. I am still figuring things out which is only natural... I just want what every girl/guy/person/thing/it wants... to be happy and content. So far... so good...

Anyway, I probably won't be posting over the next few days because I will be a) on vacation, neener neener b) in Seattle buried deep in a hotel bed under a pile of blankets and c) riding a blissful few days in the company of Ian. I am sure that I will have a full report once I get back... But tomorrow I have a long day of manicure/pedicure appointments and packing. /swoon

I will probably get hell for posting this but I don't care! I'm a wonder woman... let me go get my robe... Wanna see you work your body... Yeah, I'm shaking my booty for my birthday! Get up uh...

One More Day Of Work

Only one more day of work left before my week vacation. I need this... I need this so much it hurts. I need to be with Ian again. Have fun, laugh and smile again. I laugh and smile when he isn't around but they aren't as real as when he is here. I just want to enjoy the rain (hopefully there will be some!) and everything that comes with it. I am taking off the day before and the day after my trip just to have some time off. After my vacation it starts the countdown until Thanksgiving when Ian is coming back. It's funny... before the September trip I was unsure if he and I would want him to visit again. Now there is no question that I want him to visit (aka live) here forever. *sigh* Is it time to go home yet?

First Thursday Of October

Yay! I've got nothing. Although I am starting to feel better. Yay for me. 7-ish Days until Seattle. Yay again for me. Enjoy.

And Oh Yeah...

I'm going on vacation soon suckers. Neener, Neener...

Sick But Laughing

High School Memories

I just randomly stumbled onto this video. This is the field show from 1998 that I did at Thousand Oaks High School. It was my junior year and it was one of the best shows. I guess, it's just crazy to see something that was a HUGE part of my life. We practiced every afternoon until late... summers were spent mostly training for the fall field season... every weekend was a competition or a practice... for 3 years I lived, slept and breathed guard. Sometimes it was hell... but it was rewarding to see how impressive we were... Other groups would perform and then run around the stadium and stand to watch us perform because we were that good. We would usually go last because it would give the other groups a chance to see us. During those times, I was pretty much responsible for getting to practice and knowing my stuff and it taught me a lot. I was always running somewhere... Fridays spent performing at football halftime shows, Saturdays and Sundays at competitions. And tucked into all of that I had homework (at least I tried to do homework) and my junior year I had a part time job as well. Anyway, it's 10 minutes long and for me it was my whole life at one point. Ahhh, the days of high school.

October (aka The Best Month Ever) Is Here!

So it's October. Let's look at the numbers, shall we?

• 13 days until I turn the big ol' 2-5
• 10 days until I head to Seattle to enjoy the rain but mostly to enjoy Ian
• 20 days until something called the "Sweetest Day" -- no idea what this is.. it's just on my calendar
• 31 days until Halloween -- not a huge deal but still!
• and last but not least... 91 days until the end of the year... why this matters, I don't know.

There have been some hard points during this year... but mainly 24 has been a really good age. I am relatively successful, I have someone who loves me and I love him back, I live in a wonderful new townhouse in a beautiful area, and I have been pretty happy the past few months.

This weekend I was reminded that relationships are work. Nothing is perfect, even my kind of perfect. I can go on and on thinking one thing but until I am told otherwise... I will never know. The one thing I know for absolute certain is I am in love and I will stay that way through the tough times because I know that it is worth it. September proved that to me... "but I will go down with this ship. I won't put my hands up and surrender. There will be no white flag above my door... I'm in love and always will be..."

Anyway, I am happily floating on a placid sea until Seattle. I can't wait for the rain and the cold. Bring it! My sweaters, turtlenecks and scarves are ready. My pjs are ready as well...... Happy October!!! Remember to Squish a Boob!