One Year

Today is our one year anniversary. I can't and don't want to think about a time when I didn't have you in my life. Even though being apart is so hard... it is so worth it. You have made me so happy in the past year... I never knew a relationship could be like this. I hope that this is the first of many anniversaries we have together.

From the first moment I saw you at the airport... I knew that everything I had felt from the previous months was true. You are the one I want to be with forever. I hope that I can continue to make you as happy as you have made me. You gave me the best birthday I've ever had... Thanksgiving was wonderful even though we were both sick... and being able to spend normal days with you in December... It just cemented the fact that I am in love with you and I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

I look forward to the many visits this year will bring... and hopefully someday soon... being with you permanently.

I am so in love with you.

Countdown Coincidence

There are 23 days left until my visit to Canada and it is the 23rd of January which is our one year anniversary.

Personal Truth

I could write about a lot of things I have going on right now. But I am so... stunned(?) I guess by something... that I have to write about it. It's going to be very vague so feel free to skip this entry - look at the cool comic at the bottom though.

I have this friend. When I use the term "friend", I use it very loosely. I wrote a post awhile ago about how I lost a friend of mine. It was about him and while it is true that we don't have a "friendship" anymore... I still "know of him". Okay, I'll stop using quotation marks on every other word! This guy... he came off as the All American kind of guy even though he is Canadian. Liked the summers, showy cars, dressing a certain way, wanted to be tan year round... Disliked people who were different or extremely liberal... He was very opinionated and at the time... he seemed to know exactly what he wanted. I used to envy him in that way.

I have come to realize though... all was not what it seemed. From the outside looking in, he has changed a great deal. He became just like the people he used to make fun of. This is just amazing to me. How can someone change so much that they become the type of person they used to ridicule? Has he lost all sense of self? My opinion does not matter. I have no right to judge. But I just really wish I could find out - which one is fake and which one is real... Is he conforming to the personalities that are around him? Or did he finally realize the person he wants to become? Was he telling the truth when I got to know him? Or was it all show?

All of this just makes me realize how grateful I am for everything I have. It's not perfect. But I know who I am and what I want.

In Loving Memory

This post has been delayed because of the holidays. But also because... I had to give myself time to accept it. I guess.

Tim Whinery was my neighbor of many years. He was much more than a neighbor though. When he first moved in my family didn't really have much contact. Slowly, we got to know him and his family. He asked if I could possibly take care of his young son Dillon. I would have to pick him up across the street at kindergarten and entertain him for a couple of hours before Tim came home from work. As Dillon grew up, I babysat him on different occasions. Then his wife Celina became pregnant with their second child and when they brought him home Tim was the proud papa bear. I babysat Spencer and Dillon many times over the next few years. My dad and Tim started getting into dune buggies and soon both families would go to Glamis regularly.

As I grew up, Tim was someone I could talk to. At the beginning of 2001 my parents split. My dad left the house and essentially left my life. Tim stepped in. He made sure that I knew I could always go over to his house and talk if I needed to; both him and Celina were there for me. He checked up on me whenever one of us drove by. He helped me with my mustang when it went down (multiple times). Tim realized that when my dad left, he vacated that role in my life. Even when I wasn't actively missing it, Tim would give me a hug goodbye and it filled that void - much more than my dad ever did. When I started dating, he would ask to meet the guy I was seeing. At the time, I was with Ross and I brought him over to meet him. We sat on his back patio while they smoked cigars (bleh). Ross really liked him and we would have stayed for dinner if Ross had the time that day. (This is significant in the fact that... Ross was incredibly anti-social and hated meeting people. But Tim made him feel comfortable and they connected.)

When I made the decision to move to Florida, he was one of the people that I told immediately. Subsequently, when I returned, I made a point of going over there to say I'm back. This last year... I've been busy. I moved to Newbury Park when I returned and so I didn't get see Tim that often. Erik, my mom's husband, became more of a father figure in my life and I'm very grateful for it. I still wanted to see Tim but I was busy and I had heard that him and his family were going through some things. When Ian came out for Thanksgiving, I gave a lot of thought to bringing him up to Tim's house to meet him. I really wanted his approval I guess. But it looked like he had family over and I didn't want to bother them. It is a deep regret that I carry with me today.

On December 20th, I got a call from Erik saying that he had some bad news. Tim had died. My reaction was one that shocked me. Up until that point I don't think I had actively thought about his role in my life. I cried uncontrollably the entire night. It was a mix of sadness, anger and denial. When I learned the details of his death, I was even more upset. Apparently, on December 16th, Tim was going between 80-100mph in a 40mph zone on a street above my mom's house. He made 6 to 8 passes before wrapping his BMW around a tree. Probably no one will ever know what was going through his mind but to me Tim wanted to die. A week before Christmas, he choose to end his life and leave his wife and kids. The anger is still with me. The next day I attended his funeral. I sobbed at seeing his picture. I hadn't seen him in months and the memories just came flooding back... The chapel was filled with pictures that I remember sitting on their mantel. Tim and the kids, his wedding, his dune buggy... It was a very hard service to get through. Seeing Celina after so long was also very hard. The kids... Dillon is now 14 (I believe) and Spencer is 8. Dillon smiled at seeing me again and Spencer was smiling but quiet as always. My mom keeps telling me I should stop by to see Celina. I don't know what to do really... I know that if I go near his house I will start crying uncontrollably. Just seeing his truck - the symbol I have for him - made me very emotional. I am sure Celina is getting through the healing process with her and her kids. I don't want to interrupt that. But I know I should stop by and see them. I don't want to have another regret if they move away.

It's been 3 weeks or so since the funeral. I have had dreams that I see him randomly on the street or that he has come back to life. There are many emotions tied to his memory. I deeply regret not going to see him at Thanksgiving. My anger is still there. If he did in fact choose to do this, how very selfish of him. He may not have been thinking about the ripple effect he would have... but to not think of his kids first... It's just extremely selfish. I miss him. I miss updating my life with him and just chit-chatting... He was proud when I got my job at Countrywide and interested in what was going on with me. He was the first father-type figure that I wanted to impress. My dad was not a father to me. He didn't care to be involved in my life. He used fear to discipline and "teach". I will never miss having him in my life. But Tim was different. He wanted to be my friend and look out for me. He wanted to make sure I was dating a good guy and my car didn't leave me stranded all the time.

I don't know what went so wrong in his life that he felt the need to do this. I will miss him. I am thankful to have had him in my life. I hope he is finally at peace.

This song was played at the beginning of his service. It is fitting I think. He had a suit and tie job but came home and worked on his dune buggy... It breaks my heart to hear it. But the more I listen to it the less I cry.

Patriots Blowout

What's wrong with the picture below...? I found it amusing.

Happy New Year!

Today is the first day that I have been able to write since the holidays. I have just been so busy with everything. A funeral, Christmas, Ian's visit, New Years and being back at work. It's just been crazy.

The funeral I will have to explain in a separate post because it deserves to be addressed apart from this entry.

Christmas was wonderful. I went to my mom's house and opened gifts. I expected to get mostly kitchen stuff, which I did, but I also got the silly thing I wanted... a NINTENDO DS! I spent the last few weeks playing with it... Nintendogs, Diner Dash, Zoo Tycoon, Cake Mania, Harvest Moon and many more. Which reminds me... must check on my dogs, BRB. Hehe.

Ian's visit was exactly how I wanted it to be. Instead of being a short weekend, we had almost two whole weeks together. It was more like normal everyday life. We had days we did stuff and went out... We had days where we did nothing at all and it was absolutely awesome. We got to see how our relationship would be if we lived in the same place. The result, of course, was... perfect. Unfortunately, it has made us extremely depressed when we had to part. I bought a ticket to fly up there next month but it is just not the same. This last trip was the first time that I cried as much as I did. I cried before taking him to the airport, at the airport, on the ride home, at Best Buy, at home, in the shower, while brushing my teeth and while waiting for him to come online. I farmed on his mage for something and was actually crying during that. I went home and slowly climbed the stairs. My house was empty... my heart just ached with the thought that I would spending the night alone. Everything I did was pointless. I washed dishes - pointless. Made my bed - pointless. Washed clothes - pointless. Just this overwhelming depression hit me and I could barely breathe. Nothing gives me happiness like Ian. It is the most honest and comfortable (ok, relatively comfortable) I have been. I just can't find and don't want to find that kind of happiness anywhere else. I need to be with him in normal everyday life. Not this on hold life...

It has been the best and worst start to the New Year. The best because I was with Ian (albeit asleep!) on New Years Eve and we spent New Years Day with my parents at Disneyland. The worst because yesterday I lost my ring. I cried and spent a few hours awake last night worrying about it. I don't know where my mind is but it is just not in the present. (Maybe I need to do more Brain Age training....) While Ian was here I lost the ring once, knocked over countless glasses, banged heads with him and probably hurt myself more than normal. I don't know what to expect of this year. My company is going to go through some more hard times but I should be alright. Ian and I have a bunch of trips planned. I turn 26... (scary). I don't know. I must continue to remember that even though this is so hard... my life right now is much better than it has been in the past few years. Last year was wonderful. I am sure this year will be more of the same.

First Trip To Canada

My first trip to Canada happens to be on the day that Ian's parents met.

The past few days I haven't been able to post... I have just been flooded with stuff from Family Emergencies to "Meeties" to finishing up things at work. I've been busy. I have decided that now is the time to post my final thoughts before the end of the year. The rest of this week is going to be lots of work. Then it's Christmas and two days after that Ian is here. We are most likely going to be busy, so I just don't see myself posting at all before 2008.

My overall thoughts about this year are *insert instrumental music here*... It was a really good year. I lost some friends a long the way. I gained the greatest boyfriend I've ever had. Our relationship has been tested and we pulled through. I had the best birthday I've ever had in my entire life and I doubt that I will ever top it... but if I stay with Ian I am sure he will make each one better. I proved that I could go back to school and do better than I did in the past. I landed a permanent job at a very good company and enjoy the perks of said job. I bought a Rocking Fluffy Rubber Ducky with Ian. I learned from 2006 and remind myself daily of it. And lastly, I know how lucky I am... even if I have the worst day... it's tremendously better than any day in my past.

For 2008... I know that my relationship with Ian will continue to be tested because the distance is horrible... and if we get into an argument... we can't see each other's face and enjoy the benefits of affection... but I hope that we will continue to remind each other that... many coincidences and signs brought us together and what we have is worth it all. I hope that the situation at my work gets better. We develop medicines that help people through deadly diseases. It is not all about making money. The benefit outweighs the risk. People need to be reminded of that. I hope that I am able to become comfortable once again in my skin. Lately... I feel uncomfortable 99% of the time... I am sure that doesn't make me the happiest person to be around... but I hope to work through it. Ian helps me with it.

And there it is... my thoughts about the past and my hopes for the future. *end instrumental music*

Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays, and Have a wonderful New Year. I know I will.

And here's something to tap your toes to... I'll be back in 2008!

Oh Hey It's Friday

So... Yeah I had a little family emergency and had to leave work to go to the hospital. But now I think I am sick... GREAT! Tomorrow I get glasses. YAY. Or at least start the process of getting glasses. Christmas is almost here... and so is Ian.

For now... enjoy some electronic bubble wrap...

*Topples Over*

I have a feeling that I am going to topple over a lot when I'm pregnant.

Pregnancy Balance