Painfully True

Typical George R. R. Martin

Photobombed By A Whale

Where Did January Go?

This is post #1501. :P I've been MIA for the month of January on this site. Where have I been? The best answer is "working my butt off". At the end of November I quietly starting to look at where I want to be in the next 10 years. The last 10 has been an even mix of fantastic and awful. I started working. I did a u-turn across the United States. I got a very good job. I met a gnome online and moved to Canada to be with him. I lost a loved one. I married the gnome and we built a house together.

In that entire time I would say 90% of it I have felt uncomfortable. It's not a big secret that I am carrying far too much weight. I'm not the kind of girl to "embrace" it. I never accepted it. I was always uncomfortable, anxious, embarrassed.... every bad emotion - almost all of the time. Who wants to live like that? So in December - not really the best time to change habits.... - I quietly started looking at ways to change. For me, it comes down to technology. Sad that I needed something like technology to help my efforts... but having something that is tangible is the sole reason why I'm feeling better. The combination of my Polar H7 Heart Rate Monitor, Digifit to track the output from the H7, and MyFitnessPal to count calories and track stats has been an absolute gift.

Since I started tracking my weight on December 30th, I have lost 16lbs. 16.4 to be exact. It's been easy for the most part. There are days that I feel like I'm chipping away at a mountain but then there are days that I come in way under my calorie goal and I don't feel deprived. I haven't changed a whole lot. I track my calories.. if I put in that I will be eating a cup of something and find out it's a billion calories then I cut it in half. I dance - a lot. (Big thanks to my husband for putting up with bumping music in the evening... He probably doesn't like to hear Justin Bieber blaring from the living room... but he puts up with it.) I added an extra strength training day. Nothing that really disrupts the good life that I lead.

I haven't been posting on here since I've felt a little more busy.. or tired.. or sore... but I have been posting a little on another site - Brittany Upgraded. I've decided to upgrade to Brittany 2.0 - this version will faster and leaner. :P

Feeling Better

After a month of effort, I'm feeling better. I'm tired. I'm sore. But it's for all the right reasons. The last few days I've stepped on the scale just to confirm Puerto Rico was a little blip. I'm back on track and will stick to Wednesday and Sunday weigh-ins.

By far the weirdest thing is that I am really looking forward to spring. It's not really an option to go for a walk in the middle of winter. It's painful to be out in the cold air and it usually triggers my asthma... but the worst is the slippery pavement. 99% of the time I am barely stable. Adding ice, snow, slush into the mix means I'm probably about to break something. Spring is a couple months away but for the first time in my life I'm really looking forward to it.

---

Brittany Upgraded By The Numbers 

Starting Weight: 308.2 

Starting BMI: 48.3

Current Weight: 291.8

Current BMI: 45.7

Goal Weight: 160

I Like To Eat

It's a fact. I like to eat. I like good food. It's hard not to judge myself against what other people are doing. I read on MyFitnessPal people who are around my weight and trying to eat only 1200 calories - not even factoring in exercise. I couldn't do that. I don't want to feel like I'm on a diet. Honestly... I don't right now. I'm losing but still eating. My portions are smaller. I think twice about having a lot of bread or rice. Yesterday, I met someone at work that had lost of ton of weight since September. I didn't have a chance to ask how she was doing it... but then I saw her have a shake for breakfast and lunch. I couldn't do that! I'm sure I could lose a ton of weight too if I only had liquids for 2 meals a day. The weight would just come right back though.

Puerto Rico was wonderful. I went to the gym... but I also enjoyed myself. I ate - within some amount of reason - and drank a bit of alcohol... I did gain from the week. I didn't freak out. It's been 4 days and I'm a pound away from the weight I was before I left. I think that's worth it. I didn't use the vacation as an excuse to go crazy... but I didn't count every calorie... and that's okay.

I'm in a good place. It's been a month and I have something to show from my efforts. Here's a sweaty picture of me... I had just gotten down on the dance floor.

---

Brittany Upgraded By The Numbers 

Starting Weight: 308.2 

Starting BMI: 48.3

Current Weight: 293.2

Current BMI: 45.9

Goal Weight: 160

Fret Not

I knew that I shouldn't let the bad thoughts creep in. The scale proved me right this morning. 

---

Brittany Upgraded By The Numbers 

Starting Weight: 308.2 

Starting BMI: 48.3

Current Weight: 294.4

Current BMI: 46.1

Goal Weight: 160

Oh The Sweat

21 Days In.

11.4 lbs Lost.

2,000,000 Gallons of Sweat.

Some days I feel like my progress is great. Other days I feel like I'm chipping pebbles off a mountain. I weigh-in on Wednesdays and Sundays. Getting to each of those days has been difficult because I'm just excited to see a new number each time. I patiently waited for Sunday to roll around and then I stepped on the scale. I had only lost 0.6. I want to slap myself for saying ONLY. It was 3 days since my last weigh-in and I lost that much. That's great! Considering my calories are set up to lose a safe pound a week. But for whatever reason it was disheartening. I know it takes hard work, self control and time. I'm just ready to see lower numbers. I was so irritable all day because Sundays are usually my 'grazing' day. Like a cow, I spent the whole day munching on different foods. I got irritable because I didn't allow myself to do that. Part of me was almost giving into temptation and giving up the fight. I was trying to give myself a reason to graze. "What's the point? You only lost 0.6 since the last weigh-in." Ridiculous nonsense.

So, I broke my rule of only weighing in on those specific days (self control is clearly not a strong suit of mine). I stepped on the scale this morning and I had lost another 0.6 - at this point I felt shame. Shame for being doubtful... Shame for almost giving in to temptation on Sunday... Shame in not believing in the process. I didn't mark this weight down in MFP. I don't want to go by the scale every single day. I want to mark down the little things that I see change. I'm sticking to only Wednesdays and Sundays.

The little things I see changing? My rings slip easily on and off most of my fingers. I feel weird not drinking a lot of water each day. My pants that are normally really tight.. feel a little looser. Little things. Big difference.

On a random note... I really wish everyone on MyFitnessPal wore a Polar H7 and tracked their calories that way... Reading that someone walked at a 2.5 mph, leisurely pace for 20 minutes and burned 450 calories is really hard to believe. No matter what weight you are. MFP is incredibly generous with calorie burn. 

---

Brittany Upgraded By The Numbers 

Starting Weight: 308.2 

Starting BMI: 48.3

Current Weight: 297.2 (based on official weigh-in days)

Current BMI: 46.4

Goal Weight: 160 (? I should probably be more sure about this number)

What Success Looks Like

I'm not exactly sure. But today I had a surprise. It's been one piddly little week. One week of working out... eating smaller portions... not snacking as much... laying off of most sweets... no soda. And what do I have to show for it?

I've lost 6.8 lbs. When I stepped on the scale this morning, I was not expecting to weight 301.4 - more like 303..304... That's the biggest help I could have had. To show that in one teeny tiny week of trying.. I could lose almost 7 lbs. I know that it will probably never be this high of a loss again. But I needed to see that my effort wasn't wasted.

Motivations

I'm motivated beyond just the thought of.. "I WANT TO BE SKINNY". Honestly, I don't think I've ever truly had that thought. My thoughts have been more.. practical...? honest?

• I want to be healthy. I want to LOOK like I'm healthy.
• I want to know that I'm healthy. I am terrified that my weight will finally catch up to my health and I'll be in real trouble. I've gone through bouts of hypochondria and it is usually surrounding my weight issue.
• I want to wear the clothes that I want to wear. I will find something that is beautiful, my style but know that it would never look good on me... usually because of my middle.
• I want to get pregnant, have an issue free pregnancy and a healthy baby. It's my main motivation now. 
• Currently, every other thought is about my weight, appearance, and what other people are thinking. I want that to stop. I've made a few steps.. even last year to make myself more presentable and feel more comfortable. I'm wearing makeup again and actually caring what I look like. There are days where I don't... but everyone has those. 
• I want energy. Last year there were huge periods where I would have big highs and lows of energy. I want a consistent source. (I've cut out lots of sugar.. sodas... etc.)
• Lastly, I just want to be happy in my own skin. Period.

Reinforcement

A person I'm friends with on MFP posted something about cognitive behaviors. How they can affect your whole life... how they can help or hurt you without you even knowing it. I found this to be true because I know exactly what I would say to myself or not say to myself to make me eat more than I should.. or eat things that I shouldn't... or not eat at all. There were some "homework" at the end of it. Here it is:

• Write down and read your motivations for losing weight daily, or even more often!
• Give yourself credit for the right things you do to manage your weight - no matter how small. Write them down, review daily, and celebrate your successes!!! 
• Learn the ways you distort your thinking and practice changing those negative and unhelpful beliefs to more realistic and helpful thoughts. Be patient - all new skill take time to develop. 
• Practice, Practice, Practice the good thinking you have learned and soon, it will just be the way you think!

I'm going to try to complete some of this. First starting with motivations.